Portfolio – ‘Befores’ and ‘Afters’
The examples below begin with extracts from clients’ copy, firstly showing the originals as sent to me, then my re-written versions, with the changes highlighted in red.
I don’t expect you to read through them all, and I could spend quite a while explaining each of the changes, but they will give you a general idea of what I do, if not precisely why. However, sentence structure, passive and active voices, syntax and vocabulary are factors which could have been considered.
My guiding principle is minimal intervention. The less I find to change, the happier I am, because I want to preserve as much of your own voice and character as possible. In no way do I attempt to impose myself upon your text.
In each example you will find that I have made the text flow better, and it’s therefore easier to read. Awkward sentence constructions have been replaced with simpler alternatives.
Example 1 (a dental surgery’s patient care information letter)
Below is described your proposed dental implant treatment and the formal terms and conditions of my engagement. I apologise for the large amount of information contained in this letter but it is important that you should understand and read it carefully. Please keep this letter in a safe place as the treatment described is long-term and it can often be difficult to remember the exact details several months later. Also, you have received a patient leaflet containing further information regarding your implant treatment. If you are unclear as to any of the areas discussed, please contact me.
Your proposed dental implant treatment is described below, along with my formal terms of engagement. I apologise for the length of this letter but it is important that you should read it carefully and understand it. Please keep it in a safe place as the treatment described is long term, and it can often be difficult to remember its exact details after several months. You have also received a patient leaflet containing further information about your implant treatment; please contact me if you are unclear about anything it discusses.
Example 2 (an undergraduate zoology field study report)
The study focused on terrestrial invertebrates as they are highly abundant and they are easier to measure compared to flying animals. Because they are a common food source for many species, they are also good model for overall diversity on a large scale. In each quadrat, variables were controlled by the same researches recording animals found, the same time limit of 2 minutes, and the approximate same time of day and same environmental conditions.
The study focused on terrestrial invertebrates as they are plentiful and easier to measure than flying animals. Because they are a common food source for many species, they are also good large scale models for overall diversity. In each quadrat, variables were controlled by recording the animals found, in the same two minute time limit, the same environmental conditions and at approximately the same time of day.
Example 3 (a psychology essay)
Three years after writing his paper, Mourning and Melancholia (1917) Freud’s beloved daughter Sophie died of influenza. Two days later he wrote a letter to his friend, Pastor Pfister declaring his grief, describing himself as inconsolable after his beloved daughter had been snatched away as if she’d never existed. This demonstration of mourning was conscious loss, losing his child which caused brutal feelings which would impact his interest in the outside world. Freud identified the loss of someone who couldn’t be replaced, describing it first as narcissistic injury, and what is known as mourning will follow only later.
Three years after writing Mourning and Melancholia in 1917, Freud’s beloved daughter Sophie died from influenza. Two days later he wrote a letter to his friend Pastor Pfister declaring his grief, and describing himself as inconsolable after Sophie had been snatched away as if she’d never existed. This demonstration of mourning was an example of conscious loss, and the loss of Freud’s child caused strong feelings which affected his interest in the wider world. He first described the loss of someone irreplaceable as ‘narcissistic injury’, claiming that what is known as mourning will follow only later.
Example 4 (a bank newsletter)
When the latest current account switching figures were released they showed that the number of people switching bank accounts had fallen by 3% between the first quarter of 2018 and the first quarter of 2019. The number of people switching is reducing and not increasing as many had forecast.
The latest current account switching figures to be released showed that the number of people switching had fallen by 3% between the first quarters of 2018 and 2019. Furthermore, the number is falling, and not increasing as many had forecast.
In addition, the economic reality and the costs involved in providing new services is beginning to bite. At launch, some new entrants were promises to offer services at a cheaper rate than the established players. However, there are signs now that repricing is occurring as the need for income grows. If customer numbers are below forecast, and the income is down, then the shortfall has to be found somewhere. This could be an indicator of how much change technology will have on the industry.
In addition, the economic reality and the costs involved in providing new services are beginning to bite. At their launch, some new entrants were promising to offer services more cheaply than the established players. However, there are now signs of repricing as the need for income grows. If customer numbers are below forecast and income is down, the shortfall has to be made up from somewhere. This could indicate just how far technology will change the industry.